I know, I've been gone forever. But I told you people when I started this up that I was fickle at best. And, there hasn't been a lot to report, not much that has inspired me to write at you. I could go into all the details of what has been killing my inspiration, but I'm in a great mood today so I refuse to be the Bringer of Misery and Woe.
I've been doing a bunch of writing. All of it fiction, all of it for fun. Mostly to entertain friends. It's been helping. Helping what? Well... everything really. I'm happier when I'm telling a story. I'm reminded why every single author you'll ever talk to says that if you want to write, you have to do it EVERY DAY. It doesn't matter what. It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to be read ever again if you don't want it to. Just write.
And it's totally true. I've written something every day for the last... two weeks, and I can feel my brain revving up. I am quicker on the uptake. My witty comebacks are back (and wittier, at least, I think they are). I feel like I can have real conversations again. And I've been plotting non-stop. All for fiction, mind you. But as any of my writer buddies will tell you, I LOVE to plot. I love glorious, tasty drama.*
It makes me feel like I should have a go at writing something worth publishing, whether self-published or picked up by a publisher. Though, I'm leaning more towards writing up some ideas for maybe a web series or a TV pilot. I like to tell a story in 'scenes' anyway.
So, there you go, I'm still alive. Short and sweet. Though you'd think since I was just talking about being a writing fool that this post would be a hell of a lot longer. Ah well. Own worst critic and blah, blah, blah...
*Fictional drama only. Real life drama just makes me want to resign from the interwebs. Yes. Interwebs. Live with it.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Monday, November 19, 2012
Lending... aka "I'm never going to see that thing again".
Today I find myself making a list of items I have lent out to people that it would appear I am never going to see again. For years I had a strict policy of not lending anything I owned to anyone ever. And it would seem that I was right to do so.
What is it about people that makes them not return stuff? Is it forgetfulness? Spite? A subconscious need to take other people's toys that stems from childhood? I couldn't tell you. And don't think that I'm not guilty. I totally am. As I type this, I have a set of books that are not mine that are just gathering dust while I don't read them. But turn about is fair play I suppose. The people I borrowed them from have a set of my books that are no doubt doing the very same thing (Maybe, they are likely very much using those books at the moment). It's a mutual thieving at this point and we both know where the other lives. Hell, they have a key to my house. They could come get their stuff any time, just as I could do the same. But in that particular situation, I trust that they are taking care of my stuff and would give it back to me should I simply ask.
However, there are others. Others who begged me for the thing they borrowed and have had said thing for two years, maybe more. These same others also no longer have a day to day relationship with me. I haven't seen them in months. I've asked for my stuff back and haven't gotten it. It is extremely frustrating.
But what can I do? It is not as though I'm going to get a lawyer to make someone return a book. I suppose I could start naming names and inventory and defaming them on Facebook, but even this post feels a bit juvenile to me so I doubt I would go to that extreme.
So I suppose my only recourse would be to replace the items with new ones and tell myself that the things those people borrowed were not borrowed at all, but gifts given in a sort of aggressive style on the part of the giftee.
I assume that everyone else on the planet has this issue. Unless they are quite wise and a bit stingy and refuse to lend out their stuff. Ever. Which I think I will return to doing.
Some people would say "It's just stuff, it's not important", but really it is more than that. The act of ignoring a request to return someone's belongings denotes that you have no respect for that person and intend to just keep whatever it is you've borrowed. Which, for all intents and purposes is theft.
So yeah, that's my rant.
Gimmie back my stuff.
Except you people that I've mutually thieved with, you know who you are, you're cool.
What is it about people that makes them not return stuff? Is it forgetfulness? Spite? A subconscious need to take other people's toys that stems from childhood? I couldn't tell you. And don't think that I'm not guilty. I totally am. As I type this, I have a set of books that are not mine that are just gathering dust while I don't read them. But turn about is fair play I suppose. The people I borrowed them from have a set of my books that are no doubt doing the very same thing (Maybe, they are likely very much using those books at the moment). It's a mutual thieving at this point and we both know where the other lives. Hell, they have a key to my house. They could come get their stuff any time, just as I could do the same. But in that particular situation, I trust that they are taking care of my stuff and would give it back to me should I simply ask.
However, there are others. Others who begged me for the thing they borrowed and have had said thing for two years, maybe more. These same others also no longer have a day to day relationship with me. I haven't seen them in months. I've asked for my stuff back and haven't gotten it. It is extremely frustrating.
But what can I do? It is not as though I'm going to get a lawyer to make someone return a book. I suppose I could start naming names and inventory and defaming them on Facebook, but even this post feels a bit juvenile to me so I doubt I would go to that extreme.
So I suppose my only recourse would be to replace the items with new ones and tell myself that the things those people borrowed were not borrowed at all, but gifts given in a sort of aggressive style on the part of the giftee.
I assume that everyone else on the planet has this issue. Unless they are quite wise and a bit stingy and refuse to lend out their stuff. Ever. Which I think I will return to doing.
Some people would say "It's just stuff, it's not important", but really it is more than that. The act of ignoring a request to return someone's belongings denotes that you have no respect for that person and intend to just keep whatever it is you've borrowed. Which, for all intents and purposes is theft.
So yeah, that's my rant.
Gimmie back my stuff.
Except you people that I've mutually thieved with, you know who you are, you're cool.
Friday, September 14, 2012
The Art of the Playlist.
I am somewhat of an audiophile. I have a very large stash of music that moves me. Now, that does not mean that I have all the hits of today. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in the vast majority of popular music these days. I like complicated, intricate composition that makes goosebumps appear on my skin or tears to well up in my eyes the music is that good. I feel like music should invoke an emotion when you hear it. If Bieber does that for you, more power to you, but then this post is probably not something you'll understand.
Witty lyrics are a big thing for me. Their lyrics made me an instant fan of Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco.
But what I really love is instrumental music. About half of the music I own is either classical or movie scores. It is the music in a movie or show that has a major hand in setting the tone. I would love to have a feature where I could turn off the music in the background of any move so I could demonstrate this point. I like that when I hear certain parts of music, my imagination just runs wild. It helps me tell stories. I am a storyteller after all, all be it, not a very successful one monetarily speaking.
The storyteller thing brings me to my quirks about playlists. I am NOT a fan of the shuffle. Especially when it comes to movie scores. They're in an order for a reason. Leave them that way. When I find myself making a list that goes with a story in my head or a tabletop RPG I'm playing in or, on the rare occasion, running, you will find me sitting at Titan (my desktop), pouring through music I know will fit the genre. Husband the Great gets it, but at the same time, does not understand how I can remember hundreds or pieces of music to know which ones will work and which ones won't. It's as simple as: Truly wonderful music sticks with you. Stuff that gets my attention always gets filed away in the back of my brain. I imagine this would be the mark of a good movie trailer producer.
Anyhow, here's how it works for me:
1. What genre are you going for?
There are some obvious ones like Star Wars where you already know there are plenty of songs for it. But it all depends on the mood you're going for. Something supposed to be scary? Look for haunting music that would make you sorry to venture into a dark room alone. Running a Superhero game? Go for the epic music full of horn section that makes you want to pose like superman. Try and think of movies or tv shows that make you think of the genre and see if you can't hunt down the music from it. I do a lot of hunting. I've even gotten into finding the music from trailer production companies.
2. Get a nice large selection
If you only have about 10 songs on your playlist, you will tire of it quickly.
3. Check for a good transition.
Once I've pulled all the music I think I'm going to use for the playlist, I put them in an order I think will go well, will tell its own story, and then I hit play. BUT, I only listen to the first 15 seconds of the start song before I fast forward to the last 20 seconds or so and listen as it rolls on into the next song on the list. If the transition is to jarring, I do some rearranging. This is the most time consuming part for me, and perhaps seems the most crazy to the outsider looking in. I started doing this because more than once I would be listing to just a pile of songs I knew I liked and I would be working along on whatever I was writing or talking about and then BAM, the next song was so off from the last one that I would lose concentration.
4. Stay away from shuffle or random.
Again, this is a little bit of the jarring transition thing in number three, but it also speaks to the idea that no computer or mp3 player has figured out that random does not mean play the same ten songs out of the entire play list over and over again in a random order. Once I find the device that will actually shuffle the songs and not play the same song over until every other song on the list has been play, then I will finally use the shuffle button.*
That's really all I have to say on it. And, this is all just my way of doing it. You're not wrong for doing it your way, this is just my insight for having done it quite a bit.
Though, if you're just getting into movie/tv scores, here are some of my favorite composers right now.
Bear McCreary - He composed everything for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, Human Target, The Walking Dead, The Cape, several video games, and I'm sure plenty of other stuff I can't think of.
Two Steps From Hell - They are a commercial music production company, they do a lot of the epic music you hear in movie trailers (fun little fact, most of the music you hear in the trailers for movies aren't actually in the movies at all). They only started selling to the public a few years ago, but they are amazing. You can find their stuff on Amazon.com
Hans Zimmer - Inception, the Nolan run of Batman movies, some of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
Danny Elfman - Excellent for anything haunting. Batman and Batman Returns. Just about anything Tim Burton puts his hands on.
John Williams - Star Wars, Indiana Jones, the first two Harry Potter films. He's a master, however, he can be quite repetitive.
Alexandre Desplat - The final two Harry Potter films.
And there are many, many more. As I said, half my collection is instrumental. Go forth and enjoy!
*I do use shuffle for my jukebox mixes. Like all 40's or 50's standards. That's about the only time I find it useful and I generally only listen to those lists when I'm cleaning house.
Witty lyrics are a big thing for me. Their lyrics made me an instant fan of Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco.
But what I really love is instrumental music. About half of the music I own is either classical or movie scores. It is the music in a movie or show that has a major hand in setting the tone. I would love to have a feature where I could turn off the music in the background of any move so I could demonstrate this point. I like that when I hear certain parts of music, my imagination just runs wild. It helps me tell stories. I am a storyteller after all, all be it, not a very successful one monetarily speaking.
The storyteller thing brings me to my quirks about playlists. I am NOT a fan of the shuffle. Especially when it comes to movie scores. They're in an order for a reason. Leave them that way. When I find myself making a list that goes with a story in my head or a tabletop RPG I'm playing in or, on the rare occasion, running, you will find me sitting at Titan (my desktop), pouring through music I know will fit the genre. Husband the Great gets it, but at the same time, does not understand how I can remember hundreds or pieces of music to know which ones will work and which ones won't. It's as simple as: Truly wonderful music sticks with you. Stuff that gets my attention always gets filed away in the back of my brain. I imagine this would be the mark of a good movie trailer producer.
Anyhow, here's how it works for me:
1. What genre are you going for?
There are some obvious ones like Star Wars where you already know there are plenty of songs for it. But it all depends on the mood you're going for. Something supposed to be scary? Look for haunting music that would make you sorry to venture into a dark room alone. Running a Superhero game? Go for the epic music full of horn section that makes you want to pose like superman. Try and think of movies or tv shows that make you think of the genre and see if you can't hunt down the music from it. I do a lot of hunting. I've even gotten into finding the music from trailer production companies.
2. Get a nice large selection
If you only have about 10 songs on your playlist, you will tire of it quickly.
3. Check for a good transition.
Once I've pulled all the music I think I'm going to use for the playlist, I put them in an order I think will go well, will tell its own story, and then I hit play. BUT, I only listen to the first 15 seconds of the start song before I fast forward to the last 20 seconds or so and listen as it rolls on into the next song on the list. If the transition is to jarring, I do some rearranging. This is the most time consuming part for me, and perhaps seems the most crazy to the outsider looking in. I started doing this because more than once I would be listing to just a pile of songs I knew I liked and I would be working along on whatever I was writing or talking about and then BAM, the next song was so off from the last one that I would lose concentration.
4. Stay away from shuffle or random.
Again, this is a little bit of the jarring transition thing in number three, but it also speaks to the idea that no computer or mp3 player has figured out that random does not mean play the same ten songs out of the entire play list over and over again in a random order. Once I find the device that will actually shuffle the songs and not play the same song over until every other song on the list has been play, then I will finally use the shuffle button.*
That's really all I have to say on it. And, this is all just my way of doing it. You're not wrong for doing it your way, this is just my insight for having done it quite a bit.
Though, if you're just getting into movie/tv scores, here are some of my favorite composers right now.
Bear McCreary - He composed everything for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, Human Target, The Walking Dead, The Cape, several video games, and I'm sure plenty of other stuff I can't think of.
Two Steps From Hell - They are a commercial music production company, they do a lot of the epic music you hear in movie trailers (fun little fact, most of the music you hear in the trailers for movies aren't actually in the movies at all). They only started selling to the public a few years ago, but they are amazing. You can find their stuff on Amazon.com
Hans Zimmer - Inception, the Nolan run of Batman movies, some of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
Danny Elfman - Excellent for anything haunting. Batman and Batman Returns. Just about anything Tim Burton puts his hands on.
John Williams - Star Wars, Indiana Jones, the first two Harry Potter films. He's a master, however, he can be quite repetitive.
Alexandre Desplat - The final two Harry Potter films.
And there are many, many more. As I said, half my collection is instrumental. Go forth and enjoy!
*I do use shuffle for my jukebox mixes. Like all 40's or 50's standards. That's about the only time I find it useful and I generally only listen to those lists when I'm cleaning house.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Isolation and Frustration
So, roughly three months ago, I was laid off from my job. This has lead to many interesting and not so interesting things. In the interesting column: I've started college. In the not-so-interesting: I don't go anywhere in an effort to spend less money. I'm receiving unemployment, but it is roughly $100 less a week than I was making. Which means we can't afford the gas to two cars driving about all week doing things. And since Joe has the job that makes the money, he gets to go places (mostly just work).
All this not going anywhere business is making me a little batty. And cranky. And a bit resentful of a great many things. I know this means that I'm still fairly wound up about being laid off even though my reviews had always been spectacular. I mean, come on, if you're gonna pretend to lay people off by way of eliminating their position, they least you could do is let go the people who didn't do their job well. Not to mention, you could wait a few months (not a few days) before listing my position on all the hiring sites. If you were eliminating it, why would you be hiring for it? A part of me thinks that I would have a solid case for wrongful termination.
And then, there's the valiant attempt at starting a business. Everyone who sees our stuff sure does like to look at it. But that's about it. I know none of this happens over night, and I keep telling myself just to keep at it. It's frustrating. And other influences outside of the business aren't helping. Like seeing work the equivalent of art projects I did in elementary school selling like hotcakes on Etsy. Or a lack of support. Or being talked down to by people who have no idea how to do what me and my partners are doing; as if they were experts.
I see slights where there are none. And I'm sort of turning into a hermit. Luckily, before I was laid off, we paid for a Disney trip. So, that will be nice. I'm very much looking forward to it. In the mean time, I know I just need to keep breathing, and everything will be just fine.
All this not going anywhere business is making me a little batty. And cranky. And a bit resentful of a great many things. I know this means that I'm still fairly wound up about being laid off even though my reviews had always been spectacular. I mean, come on, if you're gonna pretend to lay people off by way of eliminating their position, they least you could do is let go the people who didn't do their job well. Not to mention, you could wait a few months (not a few days) before listing my position on all the hiring sites. If you were eliminating it, why would you be hiring for it? A part of me thinks that I would have a solid case for wrongful termination.
And then, there's the valiant attempt at starting a business. Everyone who sees our stuff sure does like to look at it. But that's about it. I know none of this happens over night, and I keep telling myself just to keep at it. It's frustrating. And other influences outside of the business aren't helping. Like seeing work the equivalent of art projects I did in elementary school selling like hotcakes on Etsy. Or a lack of support. Or being talked down to by people who have no idea how to do what me and my partners are doing; as if they were experts.
I see slights where there are none. And I'm sort of turning into a hermit. Luckily, before I was laid off, we paid for a Disney trip. So, that will be nice. I'm very much looking forward to it. In the mean time, I know I just need to keep breathing, and everything will be just fine.
Friday, June 8, 2012
No Wrong Choices?
So, a bit over a month ago, I got laid off. To which I posted a somewhat cynical view of the corporate world. In all honesty, that view has not at all changed. It is a game I am playing to provide a good life for Husband the Great and myself. But, as is true with any situation in your life; there are steps you can take to make it better. There are good corporate situations. There are ways to improve your life.
After applying to handful of jobs, I quickly came to the conclusion that no one's going to consider me for a decent job without a college degree. (Irony on this comes later). So, I do some research and decide to enroll at Western Governor's University for HR Management. It's a work at my own pace sort of deal, which means, if I'm jobless for six months, I'm confident that I can have my bachelor's degree by the end of those six months. I know that sounds a bit impossible, or that perhaps this school isn't on the up and up, but anyone who knows me knows that it is very possible and I made sure this place was accredited.
As a result of this six month plan, I had resigned myself to living on unemployment for the next six months and busting my ass to get this degree so I could get a better paying, more fulfilling job. Queue the company that had just laid me off. A friend of mine in a different division of said company handed my resume to her boss and it resulted in an interview earlier this week. The job sounds engaging, the money sounds like it's going to be right. And I would have nothing to do with the boss that laid me off. So, while some might consider me insane for going back to this company a third time, I feel like it would be wholly irresponsible of me NOT to take it if I get the offer. But if I take the offer, that's going to slow down my plan for school considerably.
I don't want to bail on school again. But this job is the job I've been trying to maneuver into since day one at this company. I'm going to have no life for the forseeable future, but I'm oddly okay with that. I guess I'm just a little terrified that while it seems like there's no way for me to make a wrong choice, that I will somehow manage to do just that.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Simple Concepts in an Overly Complicated World
I am not overly fond of talking on the touchy subjects like politics, religion, education, etc. The reason for this is not that I don't have an opinion, I assure you, I do. The problem is, I will debate an issue to the end of time if I have knowledge of the subject, and unfortunately the few times I have spoken up, it has cost me friends (and in one case a few family members). I tend to not speak on things of which I have no information. And I do that because I do not like to look the fool, which is exactly what happens when one spits out whatever they want to win the day. And, as one of my very good and extremely logical friends recently said, the art of a good debate is dying a painful death. Name-calling used as smoke and mirrors is commonplace in any argument these days.
All that aside, I have some thoughts.
I am not Christian. I honestly couldn't tell you what I am. I feel that the religious texts of the world (the Christian bible, the Koran, the Torah, and so on) are not word for word true, but more along the lines of Aesop's Fables; meant for guidance, not strict rules by which all should be judged. I have wonderful friends who believe in God and put their faith in Him and I am happy that it makes them happy. I also know that these same friends would feel the same for me. As long as I'm happy, they're happy. What I dislike are those that would hide their personal fears and hatred behind their religion.
Marriage. What a highly debated concept. For me, it is incredibly simple. You wanna be married? Go right ahead. Doesn't matter who you are. Get married. Two consenting adults should be allowed to get married. No one's business but their own. You know who stands to lose by letting anyone and everyone getting married to whomever they want? Insurance companies. Maybe. Quiet a few will now allow you to claim a partner, married or not. Other than that, no one gets hurt. And if by some chance this good and caring God is actually offended by the thought of two men or two women getting married, He'll handle it. Not our job to regulate it.
Women's health choices. Simple. It's HER choice. We are one appallingly small step away from Margaret Atwood's "A Handmaid's Tale". If you have not read it, I recommend that you do. Might give you an insight into the future of women's rights in the United States. Which scares the hell out of me.
College and Financial Aid.
First, a little history. I do not have a degree. It was my choice not to attend college directly after high school because I just knew that I would not go the distance. A couple of years later, I was accepted to University of New Orleans. I even went to orientation. However, when I got home and did the FASFA application, I was still young enough that my Mother's income counted and thus, I qualified for nothing. So, I didn't go. About a year after that, I was old enough to be counted on my own and enrolled at ITT, only discover after one semester that ITT is kind of a joke. (I literally missed half of my classes and still had a 4.0) I did not return to ITT. I still feel to this day that college is a bit of a racket. Tuition prices are ridiculous, and the requirement credits to many degrees are needlessly packed with electives. Financial Aid is a bit of a joke, since they base your qualifications and need on previous year's taxes, not a real time assessment of your family income (i.e. I was employed last year, but currently I am not and without a degree it is unlikely I will be in the near future) It all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
That being said, I'm being a total hypocrite and have applied to an online university. I do this because even though I have over a decade of work experience, employers don't care. They want to see a college degree on my resume. They don't even care what it's in. To me, this is requiring college for all the wrong reasons. One should go to college in search of higher learning. College should produce doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers and true scholars; not masses of call center customer service reps only getting paid a few dollars an hour more than minimum wage. If that's what we're turning college into, might as well make it as required as high school. You can attend a public college for no more than book rental fees or you can pay for a private one, just like all the other levels of education. But then we get into the mental ramifications of forcing people to remain students until 22 years old. Though some might argue that the maturity level of an 18 year old ten years ago is likely the equivalent level of a 22 year old today.
So to review:
Marriage - Should be fair game for all
Women's Health - No one's business but her own
College and Financial Aid - Make it as available as public school since it is apparently becoming required for everyone.
Simple, right?
All that aside, I have some thoughts.
I am not Christian. I honestly couldn't tell you what I am. I feel that the religious texts of the world (the Christian bible, the Koran, the Torah, and so on) are not word for word true, but more along the lines of Aesop's Fables; meant for guidance, not strict rules by which all should be judged. I have wonderful friends who believe in God and put their faith in Him and I am happy that it makes them happy. I also know that these same friends would feel the same for me. As long as I'm happy, they're happy. What I dislike are those that would hide their personal fears and hatred behind their religion.
Marriage. What a highly debated concept. For me, it is incredibly simple. You wanna be married? Go right ahead. Doesn't matter who you are. Get married. Two consenting adults should be allowed to get married. No one's business but their own. You know who stands to lose by letting anyone and everyone getting married to whomever they want? Insurance companies. Maybe. Quiet a few will now allow you to claim a partner, married or not. Other than that, no one gets hurt. And if by some chance this good and caring God is actually offended by the thought of two men or two women getting married, He'll handle it. Not our job to regulate it.
Women's health choices. Simple. It's HER choice. We are one appallingly small step away from Margaret Atwood's "A Handmaid's Tale". If you have not read it, I recommend that you do. Might give you an insight into the future of women's rights in the United States. Which scares the hell out of me.
College and Financial Aid.
First, a little history. I do not have a degree. It was my choice not to attend college directly after high school because I just knew that I would not go the distance. A couple of years later, I was accepted to University of New Orleans. I even went to orientation. However, when I got home and did the FASFA application, I was still young enough that my Mother's income counted and thus, I qualified for nothing. So, I didn't go. About a year after that, I was old enough to be counted on my own and enrolled at ITT, only discover after one semester that ITT is kind of a joke. (I literally missed half of my classes and still had a 4.0) I did not return to ITT. I still feel to this day that college is a bit of a racket. Tuition prices are ridiculous, and the requirement credits to many degrees are needlessly packed with electives. Financial Aid is a bit of a joke, since they base your qualifications and need on previous year's taxes, not a real time assessment of your family income (i.e. I was employed last year, but currently I am not and without a degree it is unlikely I will be in the near future) It all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
That being said, I'm being a total hypocrite and have applied to an online university. I do this because even though I have over a decade of work experience, employers don't care. They want to see a college degree on my resume. They don't even care what it's in. To me, this is requiring college for all the wrong reasons. One should go to college in search of higher learning. College should produce doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers and true scholars; not masses of call center customer service reps only getting paid a few dollars an hour more than minimum wage. If that's what we're turning college into, might as well make it as required as high school. You can attend a public college for no more than book rental fees or you can pay for a private one, just like all the other levels of education. But then we get into the mental ramifications of forcing people to remain students until 22 years old. Though some might argue that the maturity level of an 18 year old ten years ago is likely the equivalent level of a 22 year old today.
So to review:
Marriage - Should be fair game for all
Women's Health - No one's business but her own
College and Financial Aid - Make it as available as public school since it is apparently becoming required for everyone.
Simple, right?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Corporate Loyalty.... and other Oxymoron.
It is absurdly early on a Monday morning. No, I am not up early to go to work. I have not been to bed yet. "Why, Toni, haven't you gone to bed on the eve of a Monday?" you ask. The simple answer to that is: Monday doesn't matter because I no longer have a job.
I'm not looking for sympathy. It was a rather downplayed affair for me really. It was eleven-ish in the morning last Thursday when one of the supervisors came and asked me to come talk to them for a moment. I stood, thinking this was no big deal, I'm always being pulled off to help for one thing or another. But then, as we're walking, and she takes me to an office, realization starts to sink in. When she opened the door and I see not only my absentee Boss, but my HR rep, my fears were confirmed; I was being let go.
I was not the only one to be let go, there were several. The official position was in the midst of restructure, my position was eliminated.
Before I go further, let me state that this the second time this company has "eliminated my position". I probably should have been smart and not come back to them in the first place. At least the first time, I had a couple of months notice that my job was going away and I had time to prepare. That was not the case last Thursday. I was, for all it felt, treated like a criminal. While the HR guy detailed out the separation package, another supervisor had brought my purse, keys, and the backpack I had bought to occasionally take my work laptop home to just outside the office. I was not allowed to go get the rest of my personal items from my desk. I turned in my corporate credit card, and I had to wait while they went back and retrieved my company cell phone from my desk. I was then shown out of the building.
I can't tell you how pissed I was that I couldn't hold it together until they couldn't see me anymore.
My Absentee Boss said he would like for me to call him so he can talk to me about his decision. My voice cracked as I told him it would be a few days before I would feel up to that. They also told me that I can arrange a time to come get the rest of my things outside of business hours. I understand the need to not cause an issue, but frankly, I have more class than that. You'd think after knowing me for nearly four years, they would have known that too. I plan to go this evening to go get my stuff.
In all honesty. I should have seen this coming. The atmosphere bred high school behavior, I wasn't popular in high school, and low and behold, I wasn't popular here. For the last few months, I've just been putting in my headphones and getting my job done and my hours in. Any hope I had of getting the supervisory or project manager positions the Absentee Boss had been promising me all these years had actually dwindled away about a year ago. I was miserable and angry that I was constantly asked to help others out, but was not allowed to ask for help myself. Despite what it may seem, I have limits, I know them, and I am unafraid to ask for help. I know the things I know because I asked someone to teach me. I wasn't born with all this stuff in my head.
But.. I didn't predict that I would be pushed out the door before some others. So, it kinda hit me hard. For about 12 hours. In that time, I drank tequila, did a bit of crying, then took a shower and a nap. Naps solve a lot for me, honestly. It's like a mood reset for me. After that first 12 hours, I decided it was a sign from the universe that I was wasting my time there.
Here are the things I would like to state for the record:
Nearly four years in one job was unheard of for me. I was ready to go the long haul with this company. So much so that I came back to them after being laid off once. I will never put my loyalty or trust in another boss or company (that isn't my own) ever again.
Working hard means nothing in corporate land. Neither does efficiency. Neither does knowing your shit. All that matters is that you know someone. Or that you can socialize with the best of them. Or you can have meltdowns of epic proportions so that they'll want to give you an easier time of it before you run screaming to HR.
Being dumb doesn't get you fired in corporate land. That just gets you shuffled around until you're doing something so easy there's no way you can screw it up. However, being smart doesn't get you anything but made fun of, ostracized, and then shown the door.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't go to work to make friends. I go to work to work. And I know all you corporate guys don't like to hear this, but I go to work to get a paycheck. I am NOT invested in the company. I do NOT view the company as one big happy family. I will NOT forsake my life for the company.
I have some time to find a job that will support us and not drive me insane. If I could, I would forsake working for anyone else ever again. But we are not quite financially ready for that. In the meantime, I'm going to write, make jewelry, sew, finish all the little projects in my house, read the STACK of books that have been piling up over the years. And once I have my belongings, I will not think on that job or those people ever again. They don't deserve my attention.
I'm not looking for sympathy. It was a rather downplayed affair for me really. It was eleven-ish in the morning last Thursday when one of the supervisors came and asked me to come talk to them for a moment. I stood, thinking this was no big deal, I'm always being pulled off to help for one thing or another. But then, as we're walking, and she takes me to an office, realization starts to sink in. When she opened the door and I see not only my absentee Boss, but my HR rep, my fears were confirmed; I was being let go.
I was not the only one to be let go, there were several. The official position was in the midst of restructure, my position was eliminated.
Before I go further, let me state that this the second time this company has "eliminated my position". I probably should have been smart and not come back to them in the first place. At least the first time, I had a couple of months notice that my job was going away and I had time to prepare. That was not the case last Thursday. I was, for all it felt, treated like a criminal. While the HR guy detailed out the separation package, another supervisor had brought my purse, keys, and the backpack I had bought to occasionally take my work laptop home to just outside the office. I was not allowed to go get the rest of my personal items from my desk. I turned in my corporate credit card, and I had to wait while they went back and retrieved my company cell phone from my desk. I was then shown out of the building.
I can't tell you how pissed I was that I couldn't hold it together until they couldn't see me anymore.
My Absentee Boss said he would like for me to call him so he can talk to me about his decision. My voice cracked as I told him it would be a few days before I would feel up to that. They also told me that I can arrange a time to come get the rest of my things outside of business hours. I understand the need to not cause an issue, but frankly, I have more class than that. You'd think after knowing me for nearly four years, they would have known that too. I plan to go this evening to go get my stuff.
In all honesty. I should have seen this coming. The atmosphere bred high school behavior, I wasn't popular in high school, and low and behold, I wasn't popular here. For the last few months, I've just been putting in my headphones and getting my job done and my hours in. Any hope I had of getting the supervisory or project manager positions the Absentee Boss had been promising me all these years had actually dwindled away about a year ago. I was miserable and angry that I was constantly asked to help others out, but was not allowed to ask for help myself. Despite what it may seem, I have limits, I know them, and I am unafraid to ask for help. I know the things I know because I asked someone to teach me. I wasn't born with all this stuff in my head.
But.. I didn't predict that I would be pushed out the door before some others. So, it kinda hit me hard. For about 12 hours. In that time, I drank tequila, did a bit of crying, then took a shower and a nap. Naps solve a lot for me, honestly. It's like a mood reset for me. After that first 12 hours, I decided it was a sign from the universe that I was wasting my time there.
Here are the things I would like to state for the record:
Nearly four years in one job was unheard of for me. I was ready to go the long haul with this company. So much so that I came back to them after being laid off once. I will never put my loyalty or trust in another boss or company (that isn't my own) ever again.
Working hard means nothing in corporate land. Neither does efficiency. Neither does knowing your shit. All that matters is that you know someone. Or that you can socialize with the best of them. Or you can have meltdowns of epic proportions so that they'll want to give you an easier time of it before you run screaming to HR.
Being dumb doesn't get you fired in corporate land. That just gets you shuffled around until you're doing something so easy there's no way you can screw it up. However, being smart doesn't get you anything but made fun of, ostracized, and then shown the door.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't go to work to make friends. I go to work to work. And I know all you corporate guys don't like to hear this, but I go to work to get a paycheck. I am NOT invested in the company. I do NOT view the company as one big happy family. I will NOT forsake my life for the company.
I have some time to find a job that will support us and not drive me insane. If I could, I would forsake working for anyone else ever again. But we are not quite financially ready for that. In the meantime, I'm going to write, make jewelry, sew, finish all the little projects in my house, read the STACK of books that have been piling up over the years. And once I have my belongings, I will not think on that job or those people ever again. They don't deserve my attention.
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