It is absurdly early on a Monday morning. No, I am not up early to go to work. I have not been to bed yet. "Why, Toni, haven't you gone to bed on the eve of a Monday?" you ask. The simple answer to that is: Monday doesn't matter because I no longer have a job.
I'm not looking for sympathy. It was a rather downplayed affair for me really. It was eleven-ish in the morning last Thursday when one of the supervisors came and asked me to come talk to them for a moment. I stood, thinking this was no big deal, I'm always being pulled off to help for one thing or another. But then, as we're walking, and she takes me to an office, realization starts to sink in. When she opened the door and I see not only my absentee Boss, but my HR rep, my fears were confirmed; I was being let go.
I was not the only one to be let go, there were several. The official position was in the midst of restructure, my position was eliminated.
Before I go further, let me state that this the second time this company has "eliminated my position". I probably should have been smart and not come back to them in the first place. At least the first time, I had a couple of months notice that my job was going away and I had time to prepare. That was not the case last Thursday. I was, for all it felt, treated like a criminal. While the HR guy detailed out the separation package, another supervisor had brought my purse, keys, and the backpack I had bought to occasionally take my work laptop home to just outside the office. I was not allowed to go get the rest of my personal items from my desk. I turned in my corporate credit card, and I had to wait while they went back and retrieved my company cell phone from my desk. I was then shown out of the building.
I can't tell you how pissed I was that I couldn't hold it together until they couldn't see me anymore.
My Absentee Boss said he would like for me to call him so he can talk to me about his decision. My voice cracked as I told him it would be a few days before I would feel up to that. They also told me that I can arrange a time to come get the rest of my things outside of business hours. I understand the need to not cause an issue, but frankly, I have more class than that. You'd think after knowing me for nearly four years, they would have known that too. I plan to go this evening to go get my stuff.
In all honesty. I should have seen this coming. The atmosphere bred high school behavior, I wasn't popular in high school, and low and behold, I wasn't popular here. For the last few months, I've just been putting in my headphones and getting my job done and my hours in. Any hope I had of getting the supervisory or project manager positions the Absentee Boss had been promising me all these years had actually dwindled away about a year ago. I was miserable and angry that I was constantly asked to help others out, but was not allowed to ask for help myself. Despite what it may seem, I have limits, I know them, and I am unafraid to ask for help. I know the things I know because I asked someone to teach me. I wasn't born with all this stuff in my head.
But.. I didn't predict that I would be pushed out the door before some others. So, it kinda hit me hard. For about 12 hours. In that time, I drank tequila, did a bit of crying, then took a shower and a nap. Naps solve a lot for me, honestly. It's like a mood reset for me. After that first 12 hours, I decided it was a sign from the universe that I was wasting my time there.
Here are the things I would like to state for the record:
Nearly four years in one job was unheard of for me. I was ready to go the long haul with this company. So much so that I came back to them after being laid off once. I will never put my loyalty or trust in another boss or company (that isn't my own) ever again.
Working hard means nothing in corporate land. Neither does efficiency. Neither does knowing your shit. All that matters is that you know someone. Or that you can socialize with the best of them. Or you can have meltdowns of epic proportions so that they'll want to give you an easier time of it before you run screaming to HR.
Being dumb doesn't get you fired in corporate land. That just gets you shuffled around until you're doing something so easy there's no way you can screw it up. However, being smart doesn't get you anything but made fun of, ostracized, and then shown the door.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't go to work to make friends. I go to work to work. And I know all you corporate guys don't like to hear this, but I go to work to get a paycheck. I am NOT invested in the company. I do NOT view the company as one big happy family. I will NOT forsake my life for the company.
I have some time to find a job that will support us and not drive me insane. If I could, I would forsake working for anyone else ever again. But we are not quite financially ready for that. In the meantime, I'm going to write, make jewelry, sew, finish all the little projects in my house, read the STACK of books that have been piling up over the years. And once I have my belongings, I will not think on that job or those people ever again. They don't deserve my attention.
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